I wrote the following article some years ago and published it in an earlier rendition of this blog, and it has since been sitting collecting dust in the article archives on my computer…so I thought I’d take it out, dust it off, update it, and republish it here on INSIGHTS, in the hope that others might find it helpful. Enjoy!
One of the more valuable skills I’ve learned in recent years is to negotiate with others, in order to get what I want by also helping them get what they want.
(NOTE: Discovering that I’m INTJINTJ ("The Mastermind") is a personality type with the Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, and Judgment traits. Generally private and complex individuals, they are natural perfectionists and very detail-conscious, applying both creativity and rationality to all that they do (as they possess a rare left- and right-brain balance). Being efficient and straight forward, then can strike others as arrogant, condescending, and impatient in their interactions, rather than simply productive. was a huge help in this, prompting me to work to temper my interactions with others to be much more positive and productive. In fact, I’ve since developed an entire line of Typology mugs, each specifically tailored to the 16 unique personality types, and all available in a variety of beautiful colors!)
But what may be even more valuable than learning to negotiate with others is learning to negotiate with myself.
I recently experienced a good example of this: I didn’t want to go work out at the gym. It was really early (6 AM)…I was tired and groggy…I’ve been back to my typical 15- to 16-hour days the last two weeks and was run down and just didn’t feel like going…wasn’t in the mood…thinking about all the work I needed to get done at home…yada yada yada…
But long ago, I made an agreement with myself, taking the advice of Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert), in his book How To Fail At Nearly Everything And Still Win Big: he said he made an agreement with himself that whenever he didn’t feel like working out, he still went to the gym…the agreement was that he had to drive there, park, and go inside with his gym bag in tow. But then, once inside, standing there looking around, if he STILL didn’t want to workout, he was then allowed to turn around and go back home. The result? Nearly every time, he goes ahead and works out, since he’s already there—and is glad he did, as he feels so much better afterward.
I liked that idea, and adopted it myself—and have had similar results. I can think of only twice, in over two years, that I ended up going home instead of staying and working out (and those two times were long ago, back when I was first starting out and wasn’t in such an entrenched routine as I am now).
So that morning, sticking to my agreement with myself, I went ahead and drove to the gym. Then, upon arrival, I found that all the close parking spaces around the facility were occupied; not a single parking space available. That almost clinched it—I about turned around right then and drove home—but I stuck to my agreement, and drove around behind the building and parked in the rear parking garage, then walked all the way back, across the street and around the building to the front doors of the gym.
But once inside, I STILL didn’t really want to workout. MAN I was tired!
And that’s when the negotiations began…
On the days that I do strength training (which I was slated to do that day), I usually start out doing a ten minute warmup on the elliptical, then head over to the strength training area. So this morning I told myself I could just do that: ten minutes on the elliptical—elevate my heart rate, get oxygenated—and then go home if I still wanted to.
I agreed with myself: okay, ten minutes on the elliptical. I could do that, no problem.
Deal.
So I did the ten-minute elliptical and afterward felt slightly more energized, so I negotiated further: I could go over to the strength training area, and just do abs…just a few sets, no biggie…then go home if I still wanted to.
Okay, deal.
But when I got over there, I discovered that the abs machine was down for repairs…so I decided to do chest presses instead, which was nearby.
Well, turns out it wasn’t long before I forgot all about the compromises, and just started working out, just sorta fell into my routine. And turns out, I ended up doing 95% of my total workout—and even increased the weights a bit on the leg press!
So I had a very successful workout, when I started out incredibly tempted to just stay home—simply because first, I kept my initial agreement with myself: drive there, park, and go inside; and then because I was willing to negotiate my way through the workout one step at a time.
The point is this: negotiating with yourself, in all areas of life, is a valuable practice to learn because if you overly tyrannize yourself—as most of us do (I know I tend to)—you could end up rebelling against yourself, and as a result not get much of anything done that you set out to do.
Instead, negotiate with yourself just as if you were negotiating with someone else—a coworker, a business associate, a boss or employee—by offering yourself a quid pro quoQuid Pro Quo: A Latin phase meaning "something for something". Other similar English phrases include: "a favor for a favor", "give and take", and "tit for tat"..
And don’t forget to give yourself small rewards along the way (when working at home, one of mine is a short, relaxing coffee break outside on the front patio…enjoy a little fresh air, sunshine, wildlife, peace and quiet, etc…and maybe even enjoy an ice cream sandwich, if the ice cream truck happens by at the time 😎).
By implementing these simple practices—making prior agreements with myself (and keeping them), negotiating with myself during the work process, avoiding tyrannizing myself, and rewarding myself at various points along the way—I’ve come to experience much more progress and see much better results overall than when I used to drive myself too hard or beat myself up when I fail (and I do fail, all the time—we all do)—or for merely not meeting my own lofty standards or excessive expectations of myself or my work.
And now, a side note:
Coincidentally, upon returning home from the gym that day, I had a Facebook memory surface in my newsfeed, which happened to dovetail nicely with this article; so I shared the memory on FB, along with some added commentary:
The following memory still holds true…though today I’d add that I’ve also developed the habit of comparing where I am today to where I once was, rather than where I want to be. We don’t necessarily need to see success to stay motivated, but merely progress; so judging ourselves by our progress, rather than by our ideal, helps keep us motivated instead of frustrated…
• • •
One thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is to push forward, even when I don’t much feel like it—because ANY progress is always better than NO progress…
Today was tough; I was exhausted (after the last three days working outside in the summer heat), I was crabby, in a bad mood, and my bad mood had my brain trying to slip into a downward spiral of self-defeatist thinking (luckily, these days I tend to recognize when I slip into that groove, and can take steps to turn it around before I get sucked in too far).
So, I went to the gym…but was SO tired, too tired for strength training—but hey! I got 20 minutes in on the stair-master, maintaining my ideal heart rate (70% of max), and I definitely felt better afterward. So that was something…
Then, when I got home, I completely failed at the new business card design I was attempting, a slight improvement over the last sample I sent to my client—but hey! We both agreed the last sample was the best of the bunch, so we’re running with that, I just need to develop the final artwork front/back. So that’ was something….
Then, I was working on my novel, and the words were coming hard and slow, and the creative juices just weren’t flowing at all—but hey! I still managed to crank out 300 words, could maybe squeeze out another couple hundred before calling it quits for the day—so 500 or so words for the day, which is a helluva lot better than zero words, which it could’ve easily been just because I was tired, crabby, and not in the mood. So that was something….
And all this came after running all my errands in the morning, and knocking out my laundry while I was working in my studio…
In other words, all the aforementioned was something, instead of nothing.
My point is this: it’s common to believe you can only perform when you’re “in the mood”—and it’s really easy to blow it off when you’re not, or when you think you’re just too tired; but fact is, even when you’re not in the mood, or you’re tired, or frustrated, or whatever—you can still “Do The Work”, in the words of Steven Pressfield (author of three of my favorite books on writing: Do The Work, The War of Art, and what has become my writing bible, Turning Pro) if you can just manage to get your butt into the gym, or into your chair at your graphic design computer, or into your chair at your writing station…go fix a big ol’ mug of coffee (or your alternative beverage of choice), and get started—even it’s slow, and grueling, and your productivity is lame compared to your good days—because again: ANY progress is always better than NO progress!
And finally, all of this reminds me of the old adage, of which I like to remind myself regularly:
“If you can’t do what you want, then do what you can.”
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