Note: I have combined 3 of my most popular articles about forgiveness: Forgiving Gets Easier With Practice, Forgiving The Unforgivable, and Giving & Forgiving, into a free downloadable/printable ebook: On Forgiving: A Primer, which is featured here.
Download the free ebook On Forgiving: A Primer here.
Forgiving gets easier with practice…
We Are All Human
For one, you come to the realization that you have no idea what others are going through. They could be going through hard times, a breakup or divorce, a job that’s not working out, financial hardship, illness in the family, you name it.
And if they’re going through really hard times themselves, they’re going to be focused on their own lives and problems, they’re going to be in defense mode, and thus more apt to treat you badly or hurt you, though often unintentionally.
And then there are those who never grow up, don’t pursue personal growth or increased knowledge or education, and therefore do stupid things, make bad choices, and have no clue how they’re impacting others in their life, how they may be hurting you or anyone else through there own carelessness or incompetence—but again, it’s often entirely unintentional.
As Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu points out in The Book of Forgiving: Forgiveness is not weakness, and does not mean being spineless, nor does it mean one doesn’t get angry. He explains:
“It is a remarkable feat to be able to see past the inhumanity of the behavior and recognize the humanity of the person committing the atrocious acts. This is not weakness. This is heroic strength, the noblest strength of the human spirit.”
Forgiving Is For You
But on the other hand, there are some people who are just plain evil, and hurt you or others intentionally.
But even so, you understand that forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you.
There’s an old saying:
Forgive others, not necessarily because
they deserve forgiveness, but because
you deserve peace of mind.
The fact of the matter is, if you can’t, or don’t, forgive them, then they will continue to hurt you over and over again in your mind, because you’ve never let go of it, never released it from your thoughts. You’re watching an instant replay of the hurtful incident over and over and over. Eventually, you’ve got to hit STOP, EJECT the tape, and be done with it—or it will never end.
Here’s another example of this common habit, which I recently came across online:
A woman had some friends betray her, and she spent six months being angry and bitter about it. She told anyone who would listen how awful they had been to her. But eventually, she realized she had been telling the same story over and over for all those months. So one day she asked herself: if nobody was around to hear me complain, would I still tell this story? She answered honestly: no. So she decided that at that point, it wasn’t what they had done to her that continued to hurt her, but that she had held on to the incident, the story she was telling herself and others, for too long. So she finally let it go and moved on.
Now, in the above context, I equate the term “stop complaining” to “forgiveness”.
Along those same lines, Robert Greene, author of such bestsellers as The 48 Laws of Power and Mastery, writes in The 50th Law:
“By nature we are emotional creatures. It is how we primarily react to events; only afterwards are we able to see that such emotional responses can be destructive and need to be reined in. You cannot repress this part of human nature, nor should you ever try. It is like a flood that will overwhelm you all the more for your attempts to dam it up. What you want is for those endless emotions that assail you during the day to wash over you, to never hold on to one single emotion for very long. You are able to let go of any kind of obsessive feeling. If someone says something that bothers you, you find a way to move quickly past the feeling—either to excuse what they said, to make it less important, or to forget.
Forgetting is a skill that you must develop in order to have emotional flow. If you cannot help but feel anger or disgust in the moment, make it a point to not let it remain the following day. When you hold on to emotions like that, it is as if you put blinders on your eyes. For that amount of time, you see and feel only what this emotion dictates, falling behind events. Your mind stops on feelings of failure, disappointment, and mistrust, giving you that awkwardness of someone out of tune with the moment. Without realizing it, all of your strategies become infected by these feelings, pushing you off course.
To combat this, you must learn the art of counterbalance. When you are fearful, force yourself to act in a bolder fashion than usual. When you feel inordinate hate, find some object of love or admiration that you can focus on with intensity. One strong emotion tends to cancel out the other and help you move past it.”
And, much like the prior “stop complaining”, in the above context I view “letting go”, “getting past it”, and “focus on something good instead”, as means, or techniques, of forgiveness.
So again, if you don’t forgive others for their transgressions, you will never be able to let it go, move on with your life. The above story uses the term “complaining” (or to stop complaining), but it’s essentially the same concept as forgiving: let it go, stop ruminating on it, stop running the story over and over in your own mind as well as to others, and get on with your life.
That’s what forgiveness is.
Desmond Tutu also writes of this in The Book of Forgiving:
“Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us. We are bound with chains of bitterness, tied together, trapped. Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the keys to our happiness; that person will be our jailor. When we forgive, we take back control of our own fate and our feelings. We become our own liberators. We don’t forgive to help the other person. We don’t forgive for others. We forgive for ourselves. Forgiveness, in other words, is the best form of self-interest.”
Check Out The Book of Forgiving at Lifeology Bookshop:
And in Mind is the Master | Byways Of Blessedness, renowned author and philosopher James Allen writes:
“The remembering of injuries is spiritual darkness; the fostering of resentment is spiritual suicide. To resort to the spirit and practice of forgiveness is the beginning of enlightenment; it is also the beginning of peace and happiness. There is no rest for him who broods over slights and injuries and wrongs; no quiet repose of mind for him who feels that he has been unjustly treated, and who schemes how best to act for the discomfiture of his enemy. How can happiness dwell in a heart that is so disturbed by ill-will? Do birds resort to a burning bush wherein to build and sing? Neither can happiness inhabit in that breast that is aflame with burning thoughts of resentment. Nor can wisdom come and dwell where such folly resides.“
Check Out Mind is the Master at Lifeology Bookshop:
Forgiving Takes Practice
But also in The Book of Forgiving, Desmond Tutu emphasizes that forgiving takes practice:
“Forgiveness takes practice, honesty, open-mindedness, and a willingness (even if it is a weary willingness) to try. This healing journey is not a primer—a book that we must read and understand. This healing journey is a practice—something in which we must participate.”
He goes on:
“Forgiveness, like any other quality—compassion, kindness, or generosity—must be fostered and developed. The ability to forgive is innate but, like any natural talent, it is perfected with practice. The practice of forgiveness is emotional and spiritual work.”
So for practice, you can start small. Anne Lamott writes of this in her book Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace:
“I decided I was starting out with my sights aimed too high. As C. S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, “If we really want to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo.”
So I decided to put everyone I’ve ever lived with, slept with, or been reviewed by on hold, and to start with someone I barely knew whom I had hated only for awhile.”
She went on to describe that relationship, how she struggled with it, and how she was then able to forgive the person—and as a result, how much she, and her life, improved afterward.
Check Out Small Victories at Lifeology Bookshop:
(Along those lines, I’ve also come to believe that there may actually be two types of forgiveness: forgiving others for what they do, and forgiving others for who they are—i.e., the type of person they are—but that’s for another article, another day…)
So no, you don’t have to start out with those who have been huge burdens in your life or caused you great pain, or try to forgive everyone at once; you can simply identify the small things that are getting under your skin, and start with those.
Once you begin to forgive the small things, and experience the peace of mind that results, you’ll be able to move up to bigger and bigger things, and successfully forgive those, too. Even the seemingly unforgivable things.
And Dr. Wayne Dyer, in his article How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: In 15 Steps, mentions practice in Step 10: Practice Giving:
“In the midst of arguments or disagreements, practice giving rather than taking before you exit. Giving involves leaving the ego behind. While it wants to win and show its superiority by being contrary and disrespectful, your Tao nature wants to be at peace and live in harmony. You can reduce your quarreling time to almost zero if you practice this…”
So keep practicing forgiveness, and before you know it, you’ll likely find that you’re letting it all go, all that self-imposed weight is being lifted from your shoulders, and you’re finally able to move on.
And even though you may find forgiving others to be difficult at first—you’ll soon find that it definitely gets easier with practice!
Reminder: I have combined 3 of my most popular articles about forgiveness: Forgiving Gets Easier With Practice, Forgiving The Unforgivable, and Giving & Forgiving, into a free downloadable/printable ebook: On Forgiving: A Primer, which is featured here.
Download the free ebook On Forgiving: A Primer here.
RELATED ARTICLES:
Forgiving The Unforgivable
Contemplation: Giving & Forgiving
The Art of Letting Go
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